Narcissist devalue tactics

Toxic people such as malignant narcissistspsychopaths and those with antisocial traits engage in maladaptive behaviors in relationships that ultimately exploit, demean and hurt their intimate partners, family members and friends. They use a plethora of diversionary tactics that distort the reality of their victims and deflect responsibility.

Although those who are not narcissistic can employ these tactics as well, abusive narcissists use these to an excessive extent in an effort to escape accountability for their actions. When a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath gaslights you, you may be prone to gaslighting yourself as a way to reconcile the cognitive dissonance that might arise. Two conflicting beliefs battle it out: is this person right or can I trust what I experienced?

A manipulative person will convince you that the former is an inevitable truth while the latter is a sign of dysfunction on your end. The power of having a validating community is that it can redirect you from the distorted reality of a malignant person and back to your own inner guidance.

One sure sign of toxicity is when a person is chronically unwilling to see his or her own shortcomings and uses everything in their power to avoid being held accountable for them. This is known as projection. It ultimately acts as a digression that avoids ownership and accountability. While we all engage in projection to some extent, according to Narcissistic Personality clinical expert Dr.

Martinez-Lewi, the projections of a narcissist are often psychologically abusive. Rather than acknowledge their own flaws, imperfections and wrongdoings, malignant narcissists and sociopaths opt to dump their own traits on their unsuspecting suspects in a way that is painful and excessively cruel. Instead of admitting that self-improvement may be in order, they would prefer that their victims take responsibility for their behavior and feel ashamed of themselves.

This is a way for a narcissist to project any toxic shame they have about themselves onto another. Fun, right? As manipulation expert and author Dr. Narcissists on the extreme end of the spectrum usually have no interest in self-insight or change. Malignant narcissists and sociopaths use word saladcircular conversations, ad hominem arguments, projection and gaslighting to disorient you and get you off track should you ever disagree with them or challenge them in any way. They do this in order to discredit, confuse and frustrate you, distract you from the main problem and make you feel guilty for being a human being with actual thoughts and feelings that might differ from their own.You will be familiar with the fact that one day you are cock of the walk and the next day you are a feather duster.

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You are atop the pedestal and in a flash you have been thrown from it and you are lying in the dust as we stand over you berating you. People cannot comprehend why they were being feted as the love of our life on Monday and then by Tuesday they are the devil incarnate.

It is something which causes and of course we want this victims of our nefarious behaviour to cling to us in order to get an answer, to receive an explanation and some kind of reasoning which will allow them to make sense of what has happened. They are unlikely to accept it, the emotional hold of the seduction and the golden period prevents acceptance of this sudden fall from grace for a very long time, but if you are able to understand why it happened, you are able to move yourself forward with greater speed than you would otherwise.

Our reasons may appear illogical to you based on your world view but at least you have some reasons and that is more than you would usually ever receive from our kind as we plough on with your devaluation offering no cogent or realistic explanation for this sudden switch.

I am not explaining why we devalue you fuel, control, reinforcement of our need for superiority and self-worth. I am explaining what is it that makes us love you then hate you in the blink of an eye. What causes this sudden change, this degree swing, this volte face, this switch? You will be given no answer or if you are they will not be anything to do with the real reason why we suddenly idealise you then devalue you.

This false reasons are wheeled out to make you remain all the more, pursuing an elusive point as we continue to drain you of negative fuel until we decide you are to be discarded. Thus, here are the five reasons that are the triggers for the devaluation. The fundamental reason for seducing you is to gather your potent and positive fuel. In the beginning and for some time afterwards we are invigorated by this precious fuel that you supply to us. We are reliant on it, we want and need it and we marvel at the fuel you provide us.

This may last months or it may even last years dependent on our demands and your ability to fulfil them. Your complacency however causes the fuel to become stale to us. You may not regard yourself as having done anything wrong. We understand that according to your view of how a healthy and mature relationship should progress that after a dizzying, honeymoon period the relationship moves to a deep-seated position where that initial buzz of excitement has faded to be replaced by something long-lasting, substantial and fulfilling.

When narcissists "devalue" and "discard" (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships)

Should you appreciate your relationship with us with this mind set, it results in us seeing you as complacent. You may regard it as a natural and understandable, indeed potentially necessary progression.

6 Secrets The Narcissist Hopes You Never Learn

We do not. Your failure to admire us in the way you once did or at least the manifestation of this admirationyour demonstration of love, adoration and such like becomes lessened.

You may not think that you love us any less but it is the way that appears to us that matters.We all know that that malignant narcissists narcissists who also have antisocial traits are manipulative and can even fool experts, psychiatrists and the most experienced of law enforcement officials. Yet there are six crucial truths about these types of manipulators that can come in handy when it comes to resisting their tactics.

Use this information wisely and you can find yourself cutting the cord to a toxic relationship with one that much more safely:. Direct confrontation of their narcissism will result in further manipulation and narcissistic rage, which can cause you to remain entrenched in the cycle of abuse. Their actions and pattern of behavior will tell you far more than their words ever will. This will also give you the ability to observe their behavior more carefully because it will be less filtered by their attempts to charm you.

In response to your public acknowledgement of their narcissism, some narcissists will work that much harder to groom you and re-idealize you, thus making you more confused about the nature of their true character. They will do everything possible to punish you or coerce you into staying — including love-bombing you again to make you remember the good times. As you prepare your exit as quietly as possible preferably with the help of a good lawyer and a safety plan — you have a better chance of departing safely with your sanity and your finances still intact.

Document all incidents of abuse so that you have it on hand should you ever need to go to court, take legal action, or for the purpose of getting a restraining order. Keep your messages brief and factual, and avoid emotion, whatever you do. Some states also allow you to record phone conversations, so you can record threats from your abuser.

Forget any type of petty revenge you may be plotting; malignant narcissists see all of your emotional responses to them whether positive or negative as attention, and they live for that shit. Instead, refocus on yourself and on rebuilding a better life not for the narcissist, but for you. If you do you choose to grant them access to your emotional responses, rest assured they will use it to bolster themselves and feed off of your energy.

As narcissism expert and author Dr. Martinez-Lewi puts it:. Some victims of narcissists describe this process as trying to destroy and annihilate them, taking what is most precious inside away with their cruelties, chronic deceptions, hidden agendas, humiliations, threats and ambushes.

And ironically, it is in that state of utter indifference that the narcissist becomes most powerless, because they know they are no longer able to control you. With a narcissist, the blowup gets worse each time you reconcile. And that blowup is coming. In order to resist this form of crazymaking triangulationremember how the narcissist talked about their ex in the beginning of your relationship, in the early stages of idealizing you.In an earlier article, I described the red flags that I had ignored during the pedestal phase of a relationship with a covert narcissist.

The pedestal phase is the time when it all feels sooo good. The best relationship ever. The guy is the soul mate. He is so compassionate and understanding of you on all levels. He gets you in a way no one has done before — until he suddenly changes.

You have entered the devaluation phase. Most likely you are trying to figure out how the person that loved you adored you and worshipped you just a few weeks ago so suddenly lost all interest in you.

Most likely you blame yourself.

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The devaluation phase is a confusing time. The narcissist is on and off with his interest in you. Your insecurities are being triggered big time but you cling to the memory of the pedestal phase. You are in denial and think that it all will come back. A love like this will withstand it all — you just need to give him a little bit of time and space, you need to work on yourself, fix your anxieties, fix your insecurities, be less clingy, be more supportive….

You have no clue that you have been taken and infected by a narcissist. So how can you figure out you are being devalued and heading towards the ultimate discard?

narcissist devalue tactics

Many narcs are very subtle in their manipulations and psychological abuse. The memory of the good times is strong. Here is my honest recollection of the devaluation period. Hitting the devaluation phase with a narcissist is very different from a normal relationship crisis. There are no arguments. Perhaps you notice that the guy is a bit withdrawn lately. The narc announces that he is not so sure whether he wants to be with you.Are you familiar with the parable of the boiling frog?

The premise asserts that a frog submerged in boiling water will instinctively leap out, but if placed in tepid water that is gradually heated, the frog will be unable to discern the danger, resulting in it being cooked to death. Metaphorically speaking, this story is cited to remind individuals that they need to be cognizant of gradual change, as well as sudden change. Being unaware of, or brushing off small changes in personalities or relationships that occur over time, hinders instinctual wisdom.

Usually, this realization comes very late, often when lives have been altered in extremely negative and damaging ways. Of course, males, also, can be victims of narcissistic abuse, and this parable can serve as a cautionary tale to them as well.

Once upon a time, before you met the narcissist, you had probably kissed more than your fair share of frogs.

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Finally, akin to a romantic fairy tale, you met your Prince Charming. Prince Charming will be sure to utilize every trick in his toolbox, to blind you to the control and manipulation, that he is about to assert over you. There will be promises of everlasting and eternal love.

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Public declarations of his love will be constant. He will claim to share the same dreams, aspirations, and viewpoints as you. Filled with surging love, and breathlessness from the rapid pace of the relationship, scarcely a moment is available to think rationally. Caution will be thrown to the wind because he seems so perfect, and you feel as though you have a deeper connection with him than anyone you had ever met before, or could ever meet again.

Like an astute chef, he tenderized, marinated and basted you in idealization, priming you for the devaluation to come, as he slowly began to warm the water. Assured that you have fallen in love with him, the Devaluation Phase begins.

Despite his constant affection, in reality, he had been preparing you for devaluation and emotional deprivation from the moment you met. When you felt the temperature rising, and sensed the instinctual urge to leap out of the pot, he quickly stirred in just enough crumbs of the Idealization Stage to keep you captive and confused. Narcissists are all about control. Everything they do stems from a need to control others. Without someone to control, the narcissist feels empty, unworthy, and void of self-esteem.

He requires supply, the same way humans require oxygen to survive.Synchronicity always reminds me of another phenomenon that seems to happen to survivors of narcissistic abuse. This never fails! I see it time, and time again. The narcissist may really miss you, but not for the reasons you would want them to. They may just be filling their reserve tanks in preparation for periods of famine, or infidelity, and are surveying the availability of potential resources.

Or, they may be in need of a quick ego boost and are looking to siphon some supply wherever they can get it the fastest, and with the least amount of effort. Maybe you were wrong about them?

narcissist devalue tactics

It is a very long, and slow process for anyone to truly change core parts of their personality. And after years, the change may not even be very significant, or lasting.

For you to realistically assess if there has been any intrinsic, and lasting change, you would need to spend at least five years, maybe ten years, and expect many periods of relapse, where the narcissists would revert to their abusive behaviors. When we receive hoover messages, we instantly begin engaging in loophole-type thinking.

We avoid the negative, and override the little voices in our heads, and get lost in the hope, and potential of things. But, failing to see the red flags, and the potential for serious harm is how we got here in the first place.

Post hoover relationships always begin with a brief honeymoon period where everything is Amaaaazing, and then they are followed by an even worse, and more rapid devalue period than the first go round. This tactic is used by cowardly narcissists. The narcissist recruits a third party usually one of their relatives to send you a message, to get a temperature on you. The backhanded Hoover is a seemingly short, and sweet text that feigns caring, or yearning.

Are you with a narcissist? This is how the devaluation phase looks like

The flip is a tactic where the narcissist flips the hoover back on you. Again, much like the cowardly hoover tactic, this tactic is usually executed by the more cowardly, prideful variety of narcissists.

Remember too much pride is just a cover for the need to always be right. This hoover is all about securing an ego boost and surveying the amount of control they still have over you. This tactic is used by narcissists, who are trying to disguise their real motives for contacting you beneath an aura of concern and caring.

The purposely-accidental Hoover is intended to create a sense of urgency to sucker you into responding.

narcissist devalue tactics

This hoover tactic is meant to trick you into reminiscing about the past and becoming nostalgic, by reminding you of the sentimental moments the two of you shared. This tactic of needing to inform you about some real, or fabricated crisis, is a desperate tactic used to elicit and exploit your sympathy, and concern. Narcissists love to play the role of victim and get people to feel sorry for them. Or, they will fail to return something of yours, and hold onto it as an excuse to contact you months later, with the offer to return the recently discovered item.

Can you look for it and let me know? There is no apology, no acknowledgment, no discussion, no accountability. This cruel tactic is used to assess how much control, and influence the narcissist still has over you. The narcissist will send you a text to bait you into a conversation, and as soon as you respond, the narcissist will go silent and ghost you.

This is just not true. Bree Bonchay, LCSW, is a licensed psychotherapist with over 18 years of experience working in the field of mental health and trauma recovery.Being in a relationship with a Narcissist is like being on a roller-coaster ride that never ends. One moment, you feel loved, adored and cherished. The next, you feel devalued, discarded and abused.

Narcissists have often been described as having a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. You never know what kind of mood a Narcissist is going to be in and you certainly never know how he is going to treat you.

A Narcissist is unpredictable and unstable. You are always walking on eggshells around him. Unfortunately, once a Narcissist is victorious and secures your love, the idealization phase of the relationship passes and his true colors emerge.

Why a Narcissist Inevitably Devalues and Discards You

You begin to see the pathology of his personality and realize he merely put on an act in the beginning of the relationship to win and secure your love.

He becomes demanding and angry, unaware that you have needs or a separate self at all. He simply finds it impossible to see you as an independent entity.

narcissist devalue tactics

Trying to understand how you went from being idealized and put on a pedestal to being completely discarded is baffling. Suddenly, you can't do anything right and nothing you do is good enough for him. It is important to understand when in a toxic relationship, you are viewed as nothing more than an extension of your Narcissist.

Narcissists seek out relationships in order to ensure someone is present to cater to their needs, stroke their ego and make them look good. Men often select a trophy wife.

14 Thought-Control Tactics Narcissists Use to Confuse and Dominate You

Beautiful women are the ultimate status symbol for men, proof of their masculinity and virility. On the other hand, female narcissists are typically attracted to wealthy men who can support their obsession with image and status.

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A Narcissist will eventually devalue and discard you with no remorse. It is inevitable in any relationship with a Narcissist. A Narcissist is unable to attach in a healthy way to anyone. Ultimately, they will pull away no matter what you do. A Narcissist has a lot of built-up resentment toward his significant other. He knows he is reliant on you for validation. However, he craves variety and is easily bored. As a result, he blames you for tying him down to a monotonous and mundane lifestyle.

This creates in him a great deal of anger towards you because he does not want to rely on you, yet knows he must in order to get the validation he so desperately needs. He does not respect you because he knows you put up with a lot of abuse from him.

You have done nothing wrong but be overly giving and nurturing.

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Yet he is angry with you and blames you for all of his unhappiness. He is urgent, preoccupied with himself and always trying to right his chronic imbalance. While some Narcissists do not feel the emptiness in their lives, their behavior causes major suffering and angst among those around them. Once a Narcissist feels he has obtained control of you, you will see a completely different side of him you never knew existed.

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